Advice by Carolyn Hax: They broke up and agreed to date other people, but she wasn't ready for her ex to embrace that idea so fully.
Two months ago, my girlfriend of 18 months and I mutually broke up. We were generally happy, but there had been some recent stress in the relationship, much of it related to her moving 100 miles away six months ago. She felt we had been trending more toward being best friends than romantic partners, and she wanted both of us to have a chance to date other people. She was my first serious girlfriend, and she said I need to date others before deciding whether she is the one for me.
This feels terribly unfair. I want to see where things go with the new woman, but I feel guilty that my ex is upset. We have been through a lot together, a lot of it related to helping her work through past trauma. I don’t want to cause her more pain. So is there any way I can date the new woman without feeling guilty? Do I need to cut off contact for a while? Or should I not be dating anyone right now, even though we broke up specifically so I could?Advertisement
It is unfortunate that she didn’t mean it, but that’s also good information to have. If she thinks it’s okay to say X, benefit from X herself, then flip out when you do X and insist that you should have known she meant Y, then that was going to cause havoc eventually.It could, sadly, mean she has more work to do on trauma recovery — which still wouldn’t mean you were wrong.
· This sounds like a classic warning sign of potential future abuse by the ex-girlfriend , as she’s already trying to control your new relationship and blaming you for the breakup. Don’t fall for it. If she can remain a friend, enjoy. But if she tries to control whom you see, what you do or what you feel, she’s definitely not the one for you, now or later.
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