Advice: A reader wants to swear off dating people with big, happy families to avoid awkward questions about their own dysfunctional family.
At first I tried telling the truth, because a therapist once said to “own” my past, but that was so awkward. Lately, I’ve been dodging, and it’s exhausting.So I’ve decided not to date anyone unless they come from a similar background. My friend says that’s an “incredibly limiting and self-destructive choice,” but I don’t see another option. Do you?There is vast acreage between dodging completely and telling entire truths every time. For Father’s Day queries: “Not a big thing in my family.
Or tell truths without the sledgehammer: “Mom joining cults was our tradition. My childhood was … ‘interesting.’” [Air quotes.]I’m thinking you know this, though — and maybe your erf-it-I’m-done-with-happy-families is less about what to say than how to stop being constantly reminded of the chances you didn’t have.But, back to your friend’s observation: Denying yourself an entire category of people — one that almost by definition— seems like a permanent, self-defeating fix to a temporary problem.
Last thing: Close families have their weird, too. They’re people. Can’t help themselves. You fit in more than you think.Readers say: · Do yourself a favor, and date the happy family! You are worthy, regardless of your parents’ choices. I dated dysfunction for years so I wouldn’t be rejected by healthy families. Thank goodness I didn’t marry until I realized I belonged at a healthy table, too. My husband’s family welcomed me, even with my extended family struggles. Hugs to you, friend!· Stick to people who take you at your word about the weirdness.
· When I want to give the straight dope on my crappy family, it’s usually because I’m sad, insecure, jealous or angry — but, most of all, resentful — that others didn’t have to grow up with the kind of abuse I experienced. When I can accept that none of what happened to me was my fault? I don’t feel that need to slam on the conversation brakes with a shocker about my mom.
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