Does your marriage need more love? What a therapist wants you to know:
How much do you love your spouse? This can feel like a confusing question in part because love can be so difficult to define. Strong marriages have three basic kinds of love:Philiais historically considered the highest form of love. It’s an unconditional love that is not connected to circumstances. When significant problems arise and strain the other two kinds of love, agape allows for you to feel compassion and forgiveness; and to continue being there for your spouse.
Each of the three kinds of love support and increase the others. So, it is important to attend to them all. One way to do this is to think about how you can deepen each one. While you can reflect on this alone, you might want to discuss it with your spouse. You might even find it more helpful to do this in writing by creating three columns on a page, labeling the top of each column with one of the kinds of love.For instance, you might note how you wear sexy lingerie to inspire eros; engage in personal and supportive conversations as an expression of philia; and offer forgiveness even when you struggle with feeling hurt.
As with any goals, it helps to be specific about what you are going to do. Rather than saying you will spend more time together, decide when you will do this and what you will do . Being specific does not mean you need to decide on every detail. For instance, you might agree on spending one night together out of the house, but make different plans each week – perhaps focusing on each of the three kinds of love at different times .
Although all marriages have their times of greater and lesser closeness, your marriage will continue to flourish as long as you nurture your sexual connection, bonds of friendship, and unconditional love.
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