We've ranked all 36 Mary-Kate And Ashley Olsen films on a sliding scale of uncanny, ranging from casually surreal to utterly phantasmagorical
Photo: Emily Denniston/Vulture/Courtesy of the studio/Getty Images These days, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are mostly famous for smoking while leaning against the brick wall outside the office of their shared fashion line, The Row. However, it has been said that if we do not understand our history, we are doomed to repeat it. Which is why I’m here to remind you that, for a very long time, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were famous for being straight-to-VHS movie stars.
The twins eventually graduated to standalone, 90-minute “features,” frequently filmed in an exotic locale with two perfunctory love interests who the twins kiss exactly once, at least one rude older person or corporation standing in the way of those love interests, stunning character names plucked from Francine Pascal’s discard pile, and a consistently deranged B-plot meant to convey some larger life lesson.
The lesson: I’ll let Wikipedia take this one: “Tribulations are weathered and lessons learned about sportsmanship, overlooked friends, and learning to enjoy one’s youth.” Photo: YouTube 35. Switching Goals .youtube[data-uri="www.vulture.com/_components/youtube/instances/cjw13sj9100913a66uxggik8g@published"].border-top:before { content: 'Watch'; } The names: Sam and Emma Stanwell
33. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Sleepover Party The names: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, non-famous party hostesses 31.You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Ballet Party The names: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, non-famous party hostesses 29. The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: The Case of the Hotel Who-Done-It The names: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, owners and purveyors of the Olsen and Olsen Mystery Agency
26. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Costume Party The names: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, non-famous party hostesses The plot: Three carnies call the Olsens and ask them to figure out if there’s a monster in their carnival funhouse. It’s just a monkey.The most surreal moment: The twins consult a “monsterologist,” who gives them potentially dangerous advice within a song called “Mummies Have Mommies.” “Before you scream [at a monster],” he advises them, “Remember, they may just need a hug.”
The plot: Arguably the urtext of Olsen-twins movies, this film is essentially one massive advertisement for the Atlantis Resort. As such, it makes next to no sense outside of that context. Madison and Alex — the only Olsen characters who have middle names, for no obvious reason — are rich white teens who are depressed that their parents whisked them away on a private plane to the Bahamas for spring break, rather than allowing them to go to Hawaii with their friends.
The plot: The twins are forced to plan and execute their own Christmas party. They find themselves scrambling from a schedule perspective. They decorate a tree, sing, dance, “eat lots of cookies,” and get a visit from boys named “Seth” and “Chip.” The only interaction they have with an adult is with a FedEx employee.The most surreal moment: A lethargic song about baking cookies includes the lyrics, “On Christmas Day, the Gingerbread Man said, ‘Ladyfingers, be my wife.
The most surreal moment: Tess’s goth crush, a 12-year-old diver covered in tattoos and piercings, gets a new tattoo and cannot dive, so Emily, a surfer with no diving experience, steps in. In slo-mo, scored by a dramatic rock soundtrack, she executes a perfect dive and saves the day. The 20-something diving coach who she’s got an intense crush on lifts her into the air by her armpits.
17. You’re Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley’s School Dance Party The names: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, non-famous party hostesses The plot: The girls throw themselves a birthday party, which is extremely normal. However, yet again, they have to plan it without any help from a parental figure, and on the actual day of their birthday.The most surreal moment: The twins seem to live alone in their own gigantic house, where they must bake their own cake, send out their own invitations, rent their own Moon Bounce by searching in the Yellow Pages, and supervise their own pool party .
10. The Challenge .youtube[data-uri="www.vulture.com/_components/youtube/instances/cjw152oqw03593a66qb2luc1v@published"].border-top:before { content: 'Watch'; } The names: Shane and Elizabeth Dalton The lesson: You can’t stop the spirit of Christmas, even if Santa is in an aeronautical accident. You just can’t.
The plot: In the Olsens’ first-ever made-for-TV feature, they play adorable children of divorce who overhear their overworked single mom saying they’re a “handful.” So the twins give her a Christmastime vacation, packing their bags and heading to, yes, grandmother’s house. The entire film details their difficult journey; for the most part, they travel around with a stranger who has a crush on their mom and drives a delivery truck.
The lesson: Even in the face of potential world-altering intel, the day-to-day demands of quotidian life are hard to shake. 3. When In Rome .youtube[data-uri="www.vulture.com/_components/youtube/instances/cjw15fqgj04al3a66w86sl67l@published"].border-top:before { content: 'Watch'; } The names: Leila and Charli Hunter
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