Think of it as a suggestion rather than as instructions.
, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a question about how to talk to her partner in bed.
Here's one of the things that most people get wrong about feedback: You're not giving your partner a detailed, itemized, step-by-step description of exactly what to do. Instead, you're sharing your feelings, desires, and experiences with your partner in the moment. It's feedback, not instructions. You used the phrase "ineffective instructions," so I think you may be puttingon yourself to give your partner perfect directions about exactly what you want.
It sounds like you have some ideas of what you would like, but you're not sure how to phrase your requests. It's pretty stressful to try to come up with the right words in the moment, so what I would suggest is that you take some time on your own to figure out how to ask for what you want. It may even help to type it out so you can make edits as necessary. Once you feel more confident with how to phrase your requests, it'll be a lot easier to share them in the moment.
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