The pain of loneliness can be overwhelming, but it's actually a reminder from our primal selves that our modern selves need to tend to relationships.
A heavy feeling on the chest. A throat that’s leaden, as if to physically push down emotions as they bubble up. An unrelenting and overwhelming feeling of isolation. Loneliness hurts — and over time, it can put the body into a vicious inflammatory state that increases our risk of everything from heart attack and stroke to diabetes and cancer.
She says that, for years, researchers thought of loneliness as a “disease with no redeeming features.” But now, they’re realizing that it’s more of a biological hunger signal that reminds us when it’s time to reconnect with those around us to promote our short-term survival. If the outcomes of loneliness were entirely negative, it would no longer be a part of our DNA. “Hunger and thirst protect our physical body while loneliness protects our social body,” says Cacioppo.
Interestingly, while loneliness sends a signal to the brain that it’s time for connection, at the same time it’s also looking for danger. This “paradoxical signal,” according to Cacioppo, reminds us to be wary of whether the people we are connecting with are foes or friends. She calls this need to be vigilant even as we’re socializing a “self-protection mechanism.
That said, loneliness impacts us all differently. While it is universal and we’re all vulnerable to it, says Cacioppo, some of us may find certain situations lonely though others don’t.“Our brain is our main social organ for cultivating and maintaining relationships and because of that, the feature of loneliness is subjective,” explains Cacioppo. “The removal of social structures can make us feel differently from person to person.
Spreng says that over time, loneliness is a self-fulfilling prophesy. Lonely people spend most of their time deep within their own imaginations; they may conceptualize social encounters so much, in fact, that this part of their brain is in overdrive. That means when they’re around other people, they’re actually less likely to be present.
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