“I clean so I don’t freak out. And the cleaning is the least of it.”
This is going to sound like a brag at first, but stay with me. I am often asked:
You see, my house is never messy. Toys do not accumulate on rugs and tables. Art projects are not left out to be finished later, and couch forts never stay intact overnight. There isn’t one large, logical, end-of-day toy clean. Instead there are seventy-five little, incredibly inefficient cleanups from dusk until dawn. That’s because Ilet it get messy. I operate this way because my anxiety demands it.
In the middle of playing at the park or on the floor, I find my mind wandering, worried that I am missing something. So I grab my phone and start to scroll, in an attempt to ease my hyper-sensitive, live-wired brain. Of course it doesn’t actually help and only creates more device addiction and teaches my kids that my phone takes priority over them. But the pull sometimes feel so strong, and my anxiety always requires immediate attention.
Even when I stay physically present — watching the lacrosse game or playing Barbies – I retreat mentally to plan and problem solve. I lose patience and attention, often barking at my kids due to stress and distraction. It’s like a game of pinball in my mind all day, and I often feel like I have little control over the direction of my anxious thoughts.
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