“I didn’t know how to exist in my own mind — how to be alone — even when my sole task was to sit alone, eat alone, think alone”
Photo: J.V. Aranda The meditation retreat was not my idea. I was only going as my husband David’s plus-one, and my goal was simply to support him. That said, a couple days unplugging in nature didn’t sound half bad, either — happily, the Won Dharma Center in Claverack, New York, turned out to be as beautiful as I’d hoped.
Our teacher sat at the front of the room. “Meditation … can be fucking hard,” he said. “You may struggle with repetitive thoughts or a jumble of mental noise. Don’t scold yourself. Just acknowledge, ‘This is just a thought,’ and let it pass by.” In the days that followed, I spent lots of time on that square cushion trying to do just that. I’d arrive in the damp pre-dawn hours, return to my pillow for various midday sits, and close out the day with a nightcap of meditation.
The truth is, I have always been a plus-one. David is just the latest example. All my life, I have sought out the safety of being in a duo. I was born into the sidekick role as the younger sibling to my assertive older brother. In high school, I met my best friend, Nina; our relationship was built on three-hour phone calls, elaborate secret nicknames, and Jackie Collins paperbacks, and we went through life linked together like a paper doll chain.
Still, once I was conscious of my brain’s drift toward constant coupledom, I was determined to reclaim these moments for what they truly were — my own private experience. I’d remind myself these were thoughts that were free to drift by. But to counter them, I’d anchor myself in the present rather than drift into a future conversation: I am not speaking to anyone right now. I can hear birds chirping outside. I can feel the hardwood floor under my folded legs. I am alone in my mind. I am alone.
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