Dear How to Do It: After 20 years, I am seeing new penises again—and I need you to explain something to me.
I’m a 44-year-old woman who is having a lot of sex with men again after ending a 14-year monogamous marriage. I’ve always had a sky-high sex drive and consider myself very sex positive. I had tons of wonderful sex in my 20s, and it is even better in my 40s on many levels. But I’m having an issue that I’ve started to perceive as recurring and it’s messing with my head: For whatever reason, the men I was with in my 20s were all uncircumcised.
There could be a lot of things going on here that are not attributable to circumcision. But I’ve begun noticing that the men I’m having sex with now are much less sensitive to touch or flicks of the tongue or even when I swallow them. I’m having sex with men my age and older, so maybe some of this could be from normal aging and it takes older guys longer to come? I’m used to being in control and edging men up to mind-blowing orgasm .
Here’s how I do it. I always try flicking my tongue around the head, especially under the ridge of the glans and the wrinkly part on the bottom where the edges of the glans come to a point, to see if they respond well. If so, I’ll keep spending time there. If not, I’ll try one last thing—gently nibbling with my lips on the aforementioned wrinkly area—and then move on to more up-and-down motions.
The timing is personal. I bring sexual specifics up early and casually, but I’ve had over 15 years as a sex worker and five as a sex advice columnist, so “How do you feel about anal?” feels like appropriate coffee conversation. You might—justifiably, understandably, and reasonably—feel more shy. Depending on how much face-holding disrupts the mood for you, you might wait until they start to do it and give them your feedback then. It’s entirely up to you.
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