AskPolly: “Every obsession is a map. The map shows what your soul wants, and why,” says hhavrilesky
The world is burning and yet I can’t stop fixating on my graying hair. It’s stupid and vain, but I can’t stop. I’m naturally blonde, so it’s not immediately apparent. My hair doesn’t even look that bad! It looks like light highlights. I can see it gradually mellowing into a soft, lovely white. And yet I pick, pick, pick at my strands.I just turned 35. Last year, I broke up with my boyfriend.
This makes you annoyed with yourself, right? “Why can’t you catch up to what everyone else is saying, you idiot? Why do you have to be so vain about this?” you ask yourself. You stare at your gray hairs and they’re all you can see. You pick at them. You feel like you’re developing an unhealthy obsession with the gray weeds sprouting from your head. “This is a sickness!,” you tell yourself.
I spent the first half of this year trying to go gray. I admired the white and gray varietals blossoming on heads all around me. I followed that “Grombre” Instagram account and marveled at how beautiful gray and silver hair can be. I started wearing red lipstick. I took selfies with my gray roots dominating the shot. I got my husband onboard. He loved the gray. He said it looked great, repeatedly.
As it turns out, I am not a graceful gray guru lady. As it turns out, in spite of my deceptively messy exterior, I am a vainglorious beast. I am a shallow puddle with a tsunami hidden inside it. I am an attention-seeking missile. Over the past year, I’ve discovered this about myself and I’ve been slowly trying to own it.
That particular map has been folded up and returned to a high shelf. But here’s what it taught me: Vanity is a knife we wield against women, young and old alike. It’s a weapon that says, “Get back in your cave and boil the rice, you stupid whore.” And I’ve decided I’d rather be a stupid whore out in the world than go back into that cave again.
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