'Their perfect toes, their little yawns — there’s nothing like it, and I feel grief at the idea of never doing it again.'
Jozef Polc / 500px/500Px Plus/Getty Images
I am mesmerized by the magic in their details. A newborn’s smooth skin, perfectly curled eyelashes, and folded ears. Their thin, long fingernails and tiny wrinkled toes —The smell of their freshly bathed hair and the little folds of their neck. The startles, the yawns, the sneezes, and the stretches — to witness it all feels like I have uncovered the secrets of the universe. I could marvel at their site for an eternity.
There is no fight for independence, no pushing me away or wiping off my kisses, just complete surrender to my obnoxiously suffocating love. I wish I could smother all my kids in this love forever. Holding them, nursing them, and wrapping them around me in tangled Scandinavian fabric carriers overrides my overactive nervous system and quiets my restless mind.I am relieved by and grateful for the life-restrictions that newborns bring.
It is a greedy and selfish kind of grief, one that I often feel guilty even acknowledging. Because, I am simultaneously so grateful. I am in awe of the gifts I have been given. But I can’t help wanting more.
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