A liberating step-by-step guide.
We all know the scene. Elio — who is raging with the inimitable fervor of adolescence — lays down and gets to work relieving his boredom and sexual frustration in an, erm, interesting way. He jabs his fingers into a ripe peach and plucks out the pit, sunset-gold juice splattering across his chest and abdomen. Then Elio rolls the peach around in his hands while looking up at the ceiling.you think.
I went to Whole Foods to pick out the best peaches, because obviously my phallus deserves organic. As if Whole Foods was anticipating legions offans swarming in, there was a 50% off sale on peaches if you had an Amazon Prime account. When I entered the checkout line, I started sweating. My anxiety — which can distort reality more than any drug — made me believe the cashier somehow knew I was not going to be eating those peaches.
I left the peaches out on my counter and waited three days. The second time was the charm. To prep, I opened up my window, let the cool breeze flow in, put on “Mystery of Love” by Sufan Stevens, and laid back. Here are the steps: Hook your fingers around the pit and slowly pull it out. It’s going to take multiple tries. You want to be careful that you’re notOnce the pit is out, you want to dig around and make as much space in the middle of the peach as possible. Think about the circumference of your phallus.
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