“They taught me that my life didn’t need to be limited to the peaks and valleys of coupledom and singlehood — a fierce love could find me at any time”
Photo: J.V. Aranda Welcome to It’s Complicated, stories on the sometimes frustrating, sometimes confusing, always engrossing subject of modern relationships.
Our relationship ended as suddenly as it began, and I was as confused as I was devastated. I’d spent our time together studiously reading about relationships, the biochemical makeup of love , how to communicate effectively, even ensuring that our Myers-Briggs personality types were compatible . I had a self-diagnosed avoidant attachment style: I balked at intimacy, savored independence, feared revealing too much of myself.
Yet, sometimes, when we had small disagreements, things felt tense. After an argument, I would feel shattered, frightened, and withdrawn. A seemingly innocuous comment easily turned into accusations and confrontation. I did my research, learned that effective arguments can make a relationship stronger, and memorized tips for how to argue well: old disagreements should remain in the past, and focusing on your own needs works better than blaming the other person.
By the time we made it to the zoo, the tension had lessened, but was still palpable. While we looked at colorful birds and rowdy sea lions, I felt a small sickness. While we sat across each other in an Italian restaurant that night, I thought of asking him for a deadline: a reevaluation date. We could try as hard as we could, but if things remained volatile between us, perhaps we’d have to call it off. “That’s a very avoidant thing to say,” he said.
I looked for answers in the same way I looked for validation during our relationship: I turned to endless Psychology Today columns, Ask Metafilter advice, and personality quizzes. My search led me to a test neither of us had yet taken: a self-esteem test. I worried that perhaps I’d been guilty of being overly critical, a side effect of too much insecurity. But my score turned out to be normal.
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