AskPolly: “I’m not used to seeing myself as someone who can be desired and wanted (which means I don’t let myself desire or want. I can’t even admit when I have a crush!)”
I have intimacy issues, and I almost cringe at how stupidly cliché that sounds — but it’s true. I am in my final year of university and have never had sex and have only been kissed once. This lack of physical and romantic intimacy has really threatened to throw me overboard in the past. I used to be really mean to myself about it.
I used to do this, too. I was a beautiful 18-year-old , but men are much more interested in me now, as a flawed adult, than they were years ago. Back then, I talked constantly. I told everyone who they were. This wasn’t just insecurity — it was how I wanted to spend my time. I was finally free to express myself in a wild environment, and I felt like people were actually listening for once. My swagger commanded their attention. I could take over the room. I felt powerful for the first time.
These days, people seem more interested in me at times because I just show up and feel what’s there. I no longer spackle in the gaps in every conversation with my words. I can sit in total silence and see people much more clearly than I could when I was talking constantly. What’s alarming is that they can see me more clearly, too. There isn’t a mountain of words blocking their view.
Instead of using your analytical mind to spray a steady flow of commentary into the room, use it to separate the bloviating dingleberries from the thoughtful, attuned, present guys. While your mind is doing the slow work of leisurely observation, dial into what your body is doing. Practice tuning in to the strange, quiet song of your heart, your bones, your blood.
Sex is just two people feeling their way toward each other. That makes it sound good, right? If it’s patient, it is good, almost always. You don’t have to be carried away by someone else’s agenda. You’re the director and you can make it hot or slow it down as your whims dictate. If a dude is insisting on making it depraved, you have choices. Pack your mind full of the dirtiest scenarios until you understand what your comfort level is.
Get to know your body and treat it like a treasured friend. Celebrate your own deliciousness in your everyday life. Delight in what you have. Embrace what your cells want you to know about the world around you and the people in it. You are young and alive, so alive, and everything is luscious and tasty. Expect the best and prepare for the worst, and recognize that no twist in the road constitutes a verdict on your appeal or your character.