'Every time tank top season arrives, I not only get a bit self-conscious, but also depressed.'
"Every time tank top season arrives, I not only get a bit self-conscious, but also depressed."Post-vaccination, I met up with a friend in a park. True to Austin weather, it was hot and humid. Sweat dripped down my back.
I’m used to my scars, but other people aren’t. I wear long sleeves to cover them; it’s possible to know me for years and not know that I used to cut myself. Long sleeves protect me and, in a way, they protect other people from seeing the sort of violent action I took against my flesh starting at the age of 14.
To prove how “evil” this music was, the producers flashed a Slayer album cover on the screen. It totally shocked me — it depicted the band’s name cut into someone’s forearm. The image was gross, but I wondered:It’s no surprise that I turned my pent-up fury toward myself. I was deeply afraid, alone, and unable to articulate the trauma that was happening at home.
My school counselor sensed that something was up. I stopped going to school, and when I showed up, it was with bandages wrapped around my wrists. I started counseling and my first counselor told me to sign a paper promising that I would talk to someone when I felt like harming myself. She was not the best match for me, and I made cuts that were even deeper.
My mother drove down the highway like a bat out of hell with her emergency lights blinking. The towel wrapped around my arm was soaked through. I could tell she was both angry and scared. For the first time, I realized that in hurting myself, I was also hurting others.“You must be right-handed,” he said. It took me a second to realize that he was making a subtle joke. I looked at my left arm and saw how few scars there were. I told myself I’d have to add to my collection.
Most decent individuals don’t ask for details about my scars. But for longer than I care to reveal, I worked as a barista and it sometimes shocked me what people felt they had the right to say. Some comments I was totally unprepared for, such as the guy who told me he thought my scars were “cool.” He wore black leather pants laced up the side and had a large bull ring through his nose. He was a piercer who’d recently started branding well before I knew that such a thing existed.
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