On the 30th anniversary of Nirvana’s beloved third album In Utero, Paste editor Matt Mitchell reflects on the ways it’s defined his personal relationship with chronic illness.
came out seven years before I was born. I suppose I came to them like any other Zoomer might have: falling down a YouTube rabbit hole in 2009 until I happened upon the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” music video and became equally haunted and mystified by grunge altogether. Actually, I think my first introduction to the band came via one of those 2000s VH1 specials—likely the special they did on the greatest songs of the 1990s.
My best friend when I was a teenager, Steven, used to look a lot like Kurt—at least to me. Everyone else would probably disagree. But he had the long blonde hair and the subdued, gentle attitude hidden behind a facade of despondency. We’d spend every class period playing a game we made up: taking turns writing band names on a notebook page or a paper bag textbook cover until we couldn’t think of any more.
I’ve never officially come out, nor do I have any interest in doing so. I grew up in a rural town that didn’t care much for guys who didn’t practice the convocation of being sex-hungry douchebags ; when I got to college, I ended up in a friend group that was queer as all get-out and I just sort ofbeaten path without having to make some grand extension of worthiness or validity.