CHICAGO—Saying the new pass offered the perfect option for those looking to attend the festival in comfort and style, Lollapalooza organizers unveiled a new air-conditioned, soundproof tent expressly catering to people who definitely shouldn’t have come to this. “Our new Platinum Lux Pass allows individuals who have absolutely no place in a hot, crowded music festival like Lollapalooza to come here anyway without ever having to deal with the hassle of hearing music or getting anywhere close to the crowd,” said Charlie Jones, co-owner of the festival, noting that for only $5,000 per day attendees would be able to skip the entry lines entirely and instead be whisked directly into a climate-controlled, insulated room that had been expressly designed for people who don’t want to hear live music and almost certainly should not be here. “Whether you’re too sensitive to sound to conceivably enjoy the experience of listening to music for hours on end or you’re a new parent who realizes taking their overheated child to the festival was an enormous mistake, the Platinum Lux Pass makes sure you can come to Lollapalooza without once hearing a band or encountering anything resembling a music festival experience.” Jones added that an add-on for $500 would allow guests to have a Lollapalooza volunteer drape a tarp over them the moment they entered the venue so they would never have to interact with any of the other people in the Platinum Lux Tent.
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