CHICAGO—Turning the hulking fortress of a sandwich slowly in his hands to capture a 360-degree view of his target, local man Branden Zielinski was reportedly conducting a thorough perimeter inspection Thursday to find the most vulnerable entry point to his hamburger. “Jesus Christ, this is a tough one—I’m an expert,…
CHICAGO—Turning the hulking fortress of a sandwich slowly in his hands to capture a 360-degree view of his target, local man Branden Zielinski was reportedly conducting a thorough perimeter inspection Thursday to find the most vulnerable entry point to his hamburger.
“Jesus Christ, this is a tough one—I’m an expert, but these layers of lettuce and cheese are basically impenetrable,” said Zielinski, who set the burger back down on his plate and stuck a knife into the middle of the bun before aborting the attempt and picking it back up again. “I’m tempted to dive right in, but I know I must move cautiously and deliberately so as not to get hurt. One wrong move and wham—it could be totally over. Sauce everywhere.
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