ENCINITAS, CA—In a completely inconsequential event that has already captured the imaginations of thousands, amateur sailor Michael Gilmer, 29, announced Monday he would be embarking on a sea journey around the world to actively decrease awareness of significant global issues.
Gilmer's expedition, which will cover approximately 28,000 nautical miles and bring absolutely no exposure to any urgent environmental or social causes whatsoever, is expected to last roughly 90 days and draw millions of eyes around the world directly away from events of actual, crucial import.
Added Gilmer, "Even if just one person reads a news article about my pointless ego trip instead of a story about the global financial crisis, then I've done my job.
Gilmer—whose inconsequential personal history thousands of Americans will actively choose to make space for in their long-term memories—told reporters he has been planning his meaningless and distracting journey for quite some time, citing his own completely self-serving narcissism as his sole inspiration.
A number of major corporate sponsors whose only concern is to have their names attached to a big news story with lots of coverage have already pledged to donate a dollar for every nautical mile Gilmer sails, with the money going to help offset the cost of his travels rather than toward a charity devoted toward the betterment of the human race.
"It won't be easy of course; there are going to be some rough winds and huge waves that I'm sure you'll hear described as though they were the kind of thing that had an effect on the famine currently ravaging Somalia or something," said the man who with every word he speaks magically decreases the number of words printed on the subject of AIDS in Africa or the potential for democracy in the Middle East.
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