I ate 70 jelly beans. Yes, that’s right. Seventy. Roughly 10 times their suggested serving.
Long before our girl Oprah was doing yoga in a black Spandex onesie on her lawn, I was on Weight Watchers. I loved it because I was on a diet, but I could still have junk food. I was like a CIA operative when it came to finding sweet, guilt-free treats that I could fit into my daily points. Until one day when my skills backfired. Literally. Like, fire came out of my backside.It was a gorgeous, sunny, summer Friday, and I was scheduled to head home from my publishing job in Manhattan at 1 p.m.
Uhhhhhhhhh, I’m sorry. What was that? Was that “8 beans or less?” I ask you, have you ever eaten 8 jelly beans?In fact, turn to the person next to you and ask them the same. If you’re on a train or a public bus or an airplane reading this, stand up and ask everyone around you. Has anyone in the history of humankindSeventy.I should’ve read the package more thoroughly, but aon the back of a bag of candy was not something I thought to look for.
This is when the feverish, desperate, soul-igniting, butt-cheek clenching began. I clamped those babies shut so tight, the Jaws of life couldn’t have pried them open. It was my only hope. All I could think was,I would need to be able to sit and grip and touch and maybe sob as the demon exited my body, so I wiggled and shifted in my seat with each new snap and swirl I felt. I was sweating jelly bullets.I don’t remember the last 15 minutes of that train ride. I think I left my body.
I still love me some sweets, but since that day, I keep my eye out for warning labels. I tell any of my friends
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