VALENCIA, CA—Promoting the coaster as “the most heartbreaking ride on earth,” the Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park unveiled its newest attraction this week: a 395-foot-tall steel roller coaster designed to simulate a grueling three year relationship with Deborah.
Developed by world-renowned and recently single engineer Phillip Werner, the Life Force Crusher-X is said to feature six disorienting vertical loops, 150-feet of highly unstable barrel rolls, a portion in the middle where the ride just suddenly stops for no reason and refuses to start again until riders apologize, and an unexpected 310-foot drop at the very end.
When the Life Force Crusher-X mercifully comes to an end, park visitors often find themselves speechless, emotionally exhausted, and completely broke.“What the fuck just happened?” roller coaster enthusiast Derek Schumer said. “At first things were great, but next thing I knew, I was throwing my hands in the air and screaming, ‘’Why are we even doing this? I don’t understand why we’re doing this! It doesn’t make either of us the least bit happy.
“I don’t know,” the comment continued. “Maybe the Life Force Crusher-X is just the type of coaster I deserve.”“Pretty early on, I realized that I just needed to get off,” Murray said. “But by that point we had just passed through the Tunnel of Pregnancy Scares, and there was no way I could up and leave then. God, to think of all the other rides I could have tried if I weren’t trapped on that suffocating machine.
“Every inch of my coaster has been biodynamically analyzed by computers to be 100 percent safe, which is far more protection than I ever got from that heart-swallowing banshee of a woman,” designer Werner said at the unveiling of his semi-autobiographical ride. “In fact, I myself ride the Crusher every morning. Just to remember.”Six Flags officials said they’ve already begun construction on their next coaster, one they are calling “even more terrifying than being in a relationship with Deborah.
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