VATICAN CITY—Standing before his costumed congregants in St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis declared, “Take this grape for it is the witch’s eye, take this spaghetti for it is the witch’s brain,” during a Halloween-themed Communion Wednesday, Vatican sources confirmed.
Holy See officials told reporters that the Bishop of Rome delivered his sermon bedecked in black-and-orange vestments as parishioners stood in line to be blindfolded and place their right hands in bowls of peeled grapes and cooked noodles during the Vatican’s traditional Monster Mass.“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Spooky Ghost,” said the Pontiff, while altar boys dressed as specters held aloft thuribles full of dry ice and lit the votive jack-o-lanterns throughout the church.
Vatican sources confirmed that after His Holiness Pope Francis delivered the introductory frights, he welcomed the visiting Bishop of Transylvania, who led the congregation in thewhile church officials passed around plastic pumpkins to collect tithes. The ceremony reportedly continued with those assembled singing the traditional hymn “Dear Lord and Father of Wolfmankind” before the pontiff delivered a short homily centered on the miracle of the resurrection of Frankenstein’s monster.
“As usual, Pope Francis’s mass was petrifyingly pious and spine-tinglingly soul-saving,” said parishioner Renee Dunbar of Salem, MA, clutching a rosary featuring a miniature scarecrow nailed to a cross. “I feel blessed that I was also able to secure tickets to the adults-only midnight service, which is supposed to be even creepier than tonight’s family-friendly version.”“Francis has shown once again that he’s willing to be a reformer and lead the Church into the future,” she added.
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