You can't always control your feelings, but you can control how you behave in response to them. Here's why that matters, according to AndreaBrandtPhD
When you interact with others in a reactive mode—ruled entirely by whatever feelings you have in the moment and your limiting and irrational beliefs—you give up control to other people's words and actions and the fight-or-flight response chemicals released in your body. When you're in a reactive mode, you make assumptions that may or may not be accurate. You might throw up verbal walls of defensiveness or refuse to communicate altogether, even when you're not under attack.
Of course, the truth is just the opposite. You may not be able to control everything in your environment, and you certainly cannot control how other people feel or what they think, no matter how much you wish you could. But you do have power over how you view situations, what information you seek about them, and how you choose to respond with your behaviors and words. Whether your choice is intentional or not, you do choose. If you blame or attack others, that's a choice.
To begin with, you must hold yourself accountable for the harmful or destructive behaviors that may have been part of your past. Once you are mindful of what you have done—and how you are presently affecting the world around you—you can change. You can learn how to step between your feelings and your response to them and learn how to pause before you engage. This pause will help you to avoid the negative behaviors that harm you as much as the people around you.
You deserve to be happy. You are worthy of the comfort, joy, and support you can gain when you form honest and emotionally sound relationships. You are the only thing that stands in the way of achieving this goal. But first, you will need to change the destructive patterns that do not support the relationships or the life you want. It will be a challenge, but it will be worth it.
To accept responsibility for what you do, you need to begin by examining yourself and your interactions. This examination will assist you in being able to identify where problems lie. Think of it like a relationships to-do list. The biggest challenge you face is to make an enduring commitment to change how you think and behave. In exchange, you will take back the power your shadow of emotions has over your life and begin to build the life you want.
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