REDDING, CA—Though now in the stage of her life when her body is at its most fertile, local teenager Katie Stevens is evidently choosing to squander her peak childbearing years by devoting herself to obtaining a high school education, sources confirmed Tuesday.
According to reports, the 18-year-old Stevens has done nothing in the past few years but fritter away her once-in-a-lifetime period of optimum reproductive capability, idly spending her time in classrooms where she listens to hours upon hours of lectures about mathematics, history, English, and science.“I’m really enjoying my senior year,” said Stevens, whose window for producing as many healthy human offspring as possible is currently wide open, but won’t be forever.
“I can’t believe I’m actually going to be finished with high school in a few months,” Stevens said of the additional time she will waste on academic ambitions while the capacity of her uterus to bring a human embryo to full gestation is at its apex. “It’s really weird.
Reports also indicated that Stevens has spent much of the past two months intensely preparing for Advanced Placement exams in calculus and U.S. history rather than focusing her efforts on producing as many offspring as possible.
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