I hadn’t bonded with my baby and deep down I worried that I hated her.
I felt like the life I was living was not a life worth living anymore and I frequently began to imagine what would happen if I killed myself. Visions of a suicidal ideation came to my head often at random times, usually when I was stressed from my daughter’s crying, which was almost always. Everything felt bleak and hopeless.
At this point, I knew I needed help before things escalated further, and so I visited my gynecologist. My husband came along for support as he was getting concerned for my mental wellbeing as well. He said that when the baby would cry more recently, my face would change and I’d get a blank stare on my face, as though mentally trying to escape the reality and gravity of what our life had become. He said he felt like I had PTSD, but the trauma was still ongoing and there was no escape.
My doctor was nice for the 10 minutes she sat with me and let me try to explain the gravity of my situation. She had a student doctor shadowing her, a stranger who I’d never seen or met before, present while I tried to hold back tears and explain how hard things had become in my life. Of course, my doctor said that this was common for new moms —.
The Paxil did help. It took the edge off my anxiety and the dark thoughts that pressed my mind during those merciless days. However, the only thing that ultimately worked was getting through to the other side of the colic period in one piece. Just as quickly as the crying started with my daughter’s entrance to the world, it stopped. One day our home was suddenly filled with a calm quiet. After so many months of crying, it was a quiet that seemed strange and foreign, albeit a welcome relief.
Nearly two years have passed since the colic period, yet as I remember back to that time in my life, I am still haunted by the feelings I came to know, the pain and loneliness of it all, the hopelessness I felt. Having a baby who suffers from colic is an experience that truly cannot be described in words to someone else, but can only be known by living through it oneself.
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