For years, I have had a Sweet Valley High theme song lodged in my brain—not the song from the television show, but one I learned as a child, from a cassette whose provenance I could not recall. Because I had no recollection of where it came from, its melody burned into my memory, the only way I thought to find it was by googling the lyrics I remembered: “Elizabeth and Jessica/ Twins, though they are/ Jess has, a wicked smile/ and Liz has a heaaaaaarrrt.” In my mind, there was a harmonic guitar solo after that verse. But for years, I searched the internet, a supposedly infinite well of information, to no avail. I resigned myself to never hearing this glorious single again.
theme song lodged in my brain—not the song from the television show, but one I learned as a child, from a cassette whose provenance I could not recall. Because I had no recollection of where it came from, its melody burned into my memory, the only way I thought to find it was by googling the lyrics I remembered: “Elizabeth and Jessica/ Twins, though they are/ Jess has, a wicked smile/ and Liz has a heaaaaaarrrt.” In my mind, there was a harmonic guitar solo after that verse.
Passionately, after a small synth flourish, our narrator continues to portray the tension between our two Southern California, perfect-size-six heroines, delving deeper into the pathos than one might expect. “Unlike in all ways,” she sings profoundly, “except in their miiiinds.” She then goes on to slander Jessica: “Jess doesn’t play fair in affairs of the hearrrrrrt.” Slowly, the song fades out, our scene set and the curtain closing on this thrilling distillation of two of literature’s most beloved personalities.
The eager listener is prepared for the vibrant frisson and melodrama with which she will be presented, by the kindly tenor of the man voicing the audiobook. The human voice is potent. This is the greatest song that has ever been played in all of Sweet Valley, California.
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