'There is something that went away once I became a mother, and I can’t get it back'
Mother and child take a load off Photo: DEA / STUDIO AB/Getty Images/DeAgostini There is something that went away once I became a mother, and I can’t get it back. I still mourn its loss sometimes, almost always — ironically — when I am alone: I lost time.
A Sunday morning before my daughter was born: We had stayed up a little late — never too late, our patterns are very consistent — watching The Walking Dead or Mad Men. I left my books where they dropped on the couch, didn’t do the dishes. I wake up at nine Sunday morning, stare at the ceiling for a while. I leave Josh asleep, get a newspaper. I don’t read it. I sit outside. I think about eating, but there isn’t any food. I should grocery shop but don’t feel like it.
While she gets to work on a craft or caring for her dolls, I begin to make a list: I need groceries, which can’t be avoided now because kids always need to eat, and she needs school lunches for the week. Her laundry is not negotiable. Her bag from Friday sits on the floor still; it needs to be repacked. She asks to go to the park. “Okay,” I say, standing up, thinking we can go to the store on our way back. It’s 7:45 am.
This is very stressful for parents as partners, I have found: My husband and I worked together for years and I was still surprised by the amount of collaboration that was necessary to keep our daughter alive. Remember: She must be accounted for 100 percent of the time. That’s a given — “No shit, Laura,” you might say. But mentally, it’s a real accomplishment! And it is weirdly deflating to your sense of self sometimes. Even when I’m alone, my time isn’t wholly mine.
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