AskPolly: 'Why am I raging over a woman who has not been in my life for over 30 years?' hhavrilesky responds
I am 55 years old, and I live in the suburbs outside the town where I grew up. In 2014, my dad started to go down hill, and now I stay with him full time to take care of him. Cut to five years later, my savings are gone and my 17-year-old car is on its last wheels. He is still hanging in there , but I worry constantly about money, food, medicine, my car and all that so he doesn’t have to worry about these things. My mother and brother have both passed, so it’s just him and me.
After college, I worked good jobs in exciting fields and did well for myself. I married, divorced , and even got the opportunity to work overseas and make good money. A happy life, I would say. My question is this: How do you move on when this stuff bites you on the butt from time to time? Why do I rage so much at people who are not in my life anymore? It’s like a loop in my head of all the folks who wronged me and did not love me like I deserved. I am a good person who tries hard to treat people right because I know how rejection and thoughtlessness can really hurt.
But that’s also why this casual slight of hers is all the more painful to you than you would’ve expected. When she reemerged in college, you knew you couldn’t say, “Do you remember the things you used to say to me when we were younger?” You probably wouldn’t have gotten a lot of satisfaction from her response. But speaking up might’ve given you the sense that you’re someone whose needs and desires matter. You have a right to tell someone when they hurt you.
The more you show love and compassion for that core, hurting part of you, the more likely you’ll be to stand up for yourself and your needs. But you have to decide that you’re a person with rights and needs first. You have to honor your own desires and know that even if the whole universe calls anyone with feelings a nutjob, you’re not living that way. You’re going to do things the way YOU do them.
Now I have to tell you the truth: I don’t think Kim forgot you entirely. I think she forgot about going to see Eddie Money. I think she remembers who you are, but she’s a forgetful person in general. She might just have forgotten half of her childhood, partially because she’d rather not reckon with the person she was for years: careless, hurtful, reckless. Trust me that you’re not the only person who’s been hurt by her.
Recently, some old friends of mine were making plans and they behaved in a way that I thought was careless. It wasn’t a big deal, but it bugged me. This was something that would’ve been a big deal to me a decade ago. It would’ve hurt my feelings. I would’ve encountered it as a sign that there was still something broken about me, that people could still treat me that way.
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