Why I praise my girls' beauty—even though experts say not to —
, my pink tutu-wearing Rapunzel came home in a terrible mood. She was nearly in tears as she told me that her BFF, Isabella—dressed as Snow White—had “cheated” becausewas the most beautiful girl in the class that day. She might not have articulated it perfectly, but she was trying to say how awfully unfair it was that her best friend looked prettier than she did.
The statement stung. Where was this jealousy and sense of lack coming from? “You feel upset because your friend looked so nice today,” I said, trying to mirror her feelings back to her and empathize. “You think just because she looks nice, it means that you don’t, but that’s not true. You areAdelaide wasn’t entirely satisfied with my answer. And although we got through that difficult day, the enviousness and worry around her looks didn’t stop there.
Looking back, I had been so smug about my complimenting policy, especially since I had been taught from an early age that looks were, nothing is black and white and it shouldn’t be all or nothing when it comes to complimenting girls or boys. Like it or not, we live in a world where looks are valued and rewarded. It’s human nature to appreciate beauty, want it, chase it, pay for it, suffer for it.
And knowing my daughter, with her tendency to see the glass half empty, maybe I’m even going to lay on the flattery a little thick so it’s overflowing a bit. She’ll figure it out. If she needs to hear that her hair has the prettiest waves or that it’s even longer than mine so be it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I want her to see it as much as I do.
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