“Winning the breakup” may be a petty concept, but everyone who exits relationships regularly (or maybe just exited one very memorably) knows exactly what it means
Photo: Islandpaps/Splash News “Brett was there,” I Gchatted my friend Holly after running into a man who’d broken my heart six months earlier. “We actually had a nice chat. He was a mess though. Like, unshowered, smelled weird, was carrying an iPad in the waistband of his pants because he had nowhere to put it.” She asked me what I’d been wearing. Lipstick and heels, I replied. I’d been waiting for my new boyfriend, who picked me up and briefly met Brett.
Dating actively is to be in a perpetual state of breakup. I’m 30, but already I feel like I’ve surpassed my lifetime limit for breakups — starting at age 18, hooking up in the dorms, I was already cohabitating with my significant others. In the past decade and change, I’ve had multiple multiyear relationships, which among my peers is a typical track record. For a time, social theorists believed my generation’s defining romantic feature was the hookup.
But what if the whole game is rigged? “Winning is complicated for me because I want to care less, but I also want to see the validation of me being cool and over it in his eyes,” my friend Maya explained in a Gchat. “But that’s not really winning, because really I just want to see him again, but am excusing it by pretending I am merely showing up to ignore him. I guess the problem is when, instead of trying to win the breakup, you’re actually just trying to win him back.
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