AskPolly: “I felt lost, bewildered, and deeply sad when they came out, and I have not been able to recover. Please understand: I love my child unconditionally, and always will. The depth of my grief has surprised even me.” hhavrilesky advises
I am at the age, and of a generation, where seemingly every discussion, every quick hello, every post on social media focuses on the successes of my friends’ and acquaintances’ young-adult children, their milestones , and their children. We are baby-boomers in retirement or pre-retirement and the central focus is FAMILY. It is a constant litany of gratitude and feeling blessed. A nonstop river of joy and bursting-at-the-seams pride over the kids, the kids, the kids. And the grandkids.
Please understand: I love my child unconditionally, and always will. I believe to my core in the sanctity of all human beings. Everyone deserves a life of dignity and respect, and the right to live their truth. Any form of prejudice is abhorrent to me. The depth of my grief has surprised even me. I have turned to counseling, prayer, and secret Facebook groups where parents of transgender and gender-nonconforming kids insist that the pain and grief go away.
I do not want to waste the rest of my life feeling despair over what I thought I had, and what I lost. I do not want to move through my last years despondent and jealous of all the families not contending with this issue — yes, I will say it — the cisgender families with cisgender children. I do not want to cringe every time I see my child. I want to embrace, to feel bold, fierce, and proud of my child and myself.
My kids are still pretty young, so I don’t know that much, obviously. All I know is that I need to stay open and accept and connect as much as possible. It won’t always be easy. Sometimes it will take a LOT of work. But if I start from the position that gender is an arbitrary construct and feeling attached to gender is absurd and pathetic, then I’m demeaning you for something that’s close to your heart, that matters to you, that makes you feel heavy and grief-stricken. I’m judging you for the things you just happen to want. You just happen to want your daughter, your girl, your SHE, your princess, to be here now. You miss her. You want her to be like you, a woman, a feminist, a part of the female tribe.
It’s been two years. If you had just been told about your child’s identity, we’d be having a different conversation. But right now, it’s truly time to move forward and confront what this experience means to you. Because your anxiety and your shame around your child are loaded. And in part because no one wants to hear your anguish anymore, you’re getting stuck in a rigid, stubborn place about all of it. Instead of looking for growth and wisdom, you’re reverting to a childlike state.
What is your real self? What is it made of, as the planet heats beyond recognition? What should you be doing, as your child faces an uncertain future on this doomed sphere? What do you believe in? Where is the child that you loved? Are they gone the second they take off the princess dress? How do they feel, underneath their carefree words, when you seem unable to move forward with them? How do they feel about how much you love who they really are, underneath the princess dress? Who are you that...
If I were your good friend, I would want you to become SOME FORM OF MISFIT out in the open with me. That’s feminism, after all: making room for something other than the twisted world we endured. A nonbinary identity isn’t a betrayal of feminism. It’s perfectly in step with the spirit of feminism. It’s not rejection. It’s a model for casting off what doesn’t fit.
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