'I was expected to never speak back, to come home early, to respect my elders, even to look a certain way.'
My relationship with my body changed between the ages of 12 and 14, sometime in between my first kiss and the beginning of high school. I went from waking up and eating instant noodles for breakfast, washed down with a big glass of chocolate milk, to being hyper-conscious about nutrition labels that still didn’t make sense to me.
My body adapted very quickly to the new stimulus: My strength doubled within six months, and my flat pancake butt was suddenly bulging with muscles I never knew existed. I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction every time I increased the weight and completed a set successfully. As the weights went up, my muscles grew...and grew, and grew. Here, I had proof that working hard at something would bring real results. As long as I put in the work, my body would respond.
The truth is, I could turn my back, talk back, and pretend like my parents’ words didn’t sting. But, they did. I moved to the other side of the world, far away from my mother’s judging eyes. But years of internalizing comments about my body and observing the girls at school and in the media came together in the perfect storm of body dysmorphia that wasn’t entirely clear to me until I left home. I spent my first year in New York weighed down with a deep-rooted belief that I wasn’t good enough, that nobody wanted to be my friend, that my body would never look the way I wanted it to.
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