Though people tend not to talk about it much, familial estrangement seems to be widespread in America
. The first large-scale nationwide survey, recently conducted by Cornell University, found that 27% of adult Americans are estranged from a close family member. Karl Pillemer, a professor of sociology who led the research and wrote a book about its findings called “Fault Lines”, says that because people often feel shame, the real figure is likely to be higher. The relationship most commonly severed is that between parent and adult child, and in most cases it is the child who wields the knife.
More individualistic than most rich countries, America also has a higher divorce rate. This suggests adult-child separation is more common in America than it is in other places. “My impression is that this isn’t considered much of a problem in many European countries,” says Dr Pillemer. Geography also plays a part. Though people move from state to state less than they used to, America remains one of the most geographically mobile countries in the world.
Therapy has played a role too, says Dr Coleman. A lot of therapy in America emphasises the role family dysfunction plays in personal unhappiness. Though it is often a factor, it is also often not, he says. “As therapists we need to do due diligence on what our patients say. Just as I wouldn’t take at face value a parent’s depiction of their parenting as flawless, I wouldn’t assume an adult child’s claim that a parent is ‘toxic’ should be accepted without further inquiry,” he says.
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