I Didn’t Know I Was Bi Until After Marriage, And I’m Allowed To Mourn The Chances I Missed “I'm in a hetero marriage. I have kids. I pass, and I made my choices. What right do I have to sadness?”
marriage of almost fifteen years. I have three adorable kids, a house, and a minivan. Outwardly, my only quirks look like my dog, a giant-ass bear of a German Shepherd, and my elaborate memorial sticker for The Magicians character Quentin Coldwater . But all is not what it seems in suburbia.As a teen, I didn’t understand what “bisexual” meant. Of course I knew the word. But in the late ’90s, when I was in high school, I was bullied mercilessly.
I choke because of course I was bisexual, and I can look at so many interactions, so many relationships, and see what I really wanted and couldn’t understand or name. I see the older girl who took so much time to help me learn how to ride horses. I was infatuated with her. Everyone I knew was totally sick of hearing her name. “Will you shut up about her?” my best friend at the time once said. I told myself:We all knew she’d had sex.
Most of all, I never found out what it was like to have a relationship with a woman. I’m bi, but I will never know what it’s like to wake up next to someone of the same sex. I imagine sharing makeup and clothes ; I wonder what we’d argue about. Would I make a good same-sex girlfriend?This isn’t to say that I could have been hooking up with a ton of girls, and I didn’t, and I’m bummed. It’s not about quantity. Realizing I’m bi late in life has led to a sadness that I’ll never fully know myself.
But those choices resulted from internalized homophobia. Maybe, if I had known I was bi, I’d have made different choices. Maybe I would have made the same ones. But I remind myself: I count. We always say it’s never too late to come out. I can come out when I’m forty. I can be in a het marriage and say: I’m bi. If bisexuals like both menI can be sad for what came before, but I can move forward from it.
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