AskPolly: 'I’d love to scream at myself to just chill the f*ck out, but part of me feels that letting my guard down opens up the possibility of making more mistakes and pushing people away.' hhavrilesky responds
Even after all your advice on “embracing your flaws” and “letting your freak flag fly,” I still feel like I’m defective as a human being and because of that, I’m uptight about everything I do and say. This all started a year ago when I had a falling out with two of my friends. The whole thing can be summarized in two parts:
Since then, I’ve grown a great deal by trying to be more independent. I try my best not to make waves, and I keep my wants and desires to myself as much as I can so that I won’t inconvenience others or go against their own wants and desires. I try to be more selfless and thoughtful, and in general I’m happier with the person I am now. I no longer have to pretend or act like a good person. I genuinely feel more at peace with who I am: someone who tries to place others above herself.
Apart from all that, I also struggle with competitiveness and comparing myself to my friends, which makes me feel like I’m not a good friend either, because what friend doesn’t want to see someone they love succeed? Or rather, I’d love to see my friends succeed, but it makes me stressed out and worried when they succeed more than me.
Yet all of the failings you describe in yourself are utterly human. Being competitive is natural, particularly at this shallow, internet-driven, comparison-fixated point in human history. It’s almost impossible not to sweat these things when you’re young and you’re trying to make a place for yourself in the world. This might not be the most delightful trait when it comes to sustaining friendships. But it’s still common, not to mention useful.
I did that, too, and people liked me even less than they did when I was pushy and selfish. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. But sometimes the problem lies in the fact that you’re neurotically TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING WRONG all of the time instead of just calming down and honoring your heart and feeling your way forward.
Yes, you realize that your past behavior was inconsiderate and sloppy. You understand, intellectually at least, that you lash out when you feel invisible or misunderstood, but you often end up feeling even more misunderstood after you lash out. You want to seem better now. You want to have friends and be loved. So every day you strategize on how to act. You think about what people must be saying about you and you adjust your behaviors and movements accordingly.
You don’t have to feel twitchy and apologetic just because there are a lot of sanctimonious motherfuckers out there who want you to think that you’re an irredeemable piece of shit just because you were once confused and disordered and wanted more from your friendships than you were getting.
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