'My toughness was real, intrinsic to me. I didn’t need to protect it with my body, forced solitude, or my life.' lisaxmiller writes about how her toughness was everything to her, until she fell in love
Courtesy: Chioma Ebinama I think a lot, in retrospect, on the value I have always placed on toughness. Why has it mattered so much that I come across, at all times, as resilient, tireless, unfazed, game? One of my closest friends from college was called “Fiercy” as a child: When I met her, she was walking around the frozen midwestern tundra without a coat. We bonded over our similar biographies — younger brothers and a father with high expectations — but really we were allies in indomitability.
Romantically speaking, then, I was at odds with myself. There was what I said I wanted — “a boyfriend,” someone with “long-term potential” — and what I wanted in fact, which was total autonomy so as to keep hurtling through space and not have to worry about anyone else. In my experience, men — especially professional men — needed so much hand-holding from women, so much boosting up. It felt to me that they sapped my strength.
What broke my state? A few things, really. I passed 35 and wanted a baby. I fell in love and was mercilessly dumped. I took a new job, and in the new context, my toughness — my superpower — ceased to have its usual effect. It neither protected nor motivated me, and I became unhappy. Work felt like drudgery, the markers of success more obscure. Achieving was no longer a matter of hurling myself forward but maneuvering within a hierarchy, a task about which I felt ambivalent.
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