'Children do not set out to defy, disappoint, and lie to their parents and teachers each day. They want to earn our praise just as much as the obedient, studious kid who lives down the street. So why do some children with ADHD seem to be so oppositional?'
Children do not set out to defy, disappoint, and lie to their parents and teachers each day. They want to earn our praise just as much as the obedient, studious kid who lives down the street. So why do some? No matter what we do, how nicely we ask, how many reminders we give — we are met with defiance, anger, and lies.Bad behavior is usually the manifestation of an unmet need. In other words, my son is acting out to try to tell me something; he just isn’t doing it in a functional way.
He’s not trying to be disrespectful. He thinks he should be able to do what I’m asking. He wants to try. But the overwhelming endpoint of this project is so dauntingly complex for his brain, that first step is baffling to him. His teacher might as well be asking him to build a rocket ship. Where does he even begin? So, he stalls. And I push, because he’s not being asked to build a rocket ship — he needs to write just a few descriptions of the mill, and he has all the info right in front of him.
, sequencing, planning, organizing within space and time. So, in his frustration, he impulsively mouths off. Or gouges marks into his desk.On the surface, it seems like pure defiance. After all, my response is even met with an eye roll! But this is her unmet need: her, so she doesn’t eat at scheduled mealtimes. But, later, after everyone is in bed, her tummy grumbles. I haven’t taught her how to prepare easy, healthy food, so her only recourse is to grab what she can easily find in the pantry.
I was hungry and tired. And I will be tonight also, so I’ll probably do it again, because I don’t know how else to solve this problem.Imagine someone politely asks you to speak Chinese. You can’t, so you don’t. Then, slightly more irritated, they ask again. They can speak Chinese very easily, so they assume you can, too. In fact, everyone around you seems to know how to speak it easily. So, it’s kind of embarrassing that you can’t. You want to be able to, just like your friends. Your sister.
You feel like a failure. Eventually, you get really frustrated. Because the request is unreasonable, but no one sees that. You feel awful about yourself, and the whole situation angers you. The next time someone asks you to speak Chinese, you blow. And they get even angrier at you.These kids are exhausting; there is no sugar-coating it. We have to be on our toes constantly, ever mindful of how we phrase things, our tone, and what we’re asking. Just like our children, we will make mistakes.
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