Anger and opposition can be a cover for shame and the fear of not measuring up. This type of anxiety is not as readily diagnosed as internalized anxiety that displays as worry, fear, and sadness.
in one of two ways: externally or internally. Children who internalize their anxiety tend to display worry, fear, sadness, tearfulness, and a reluctance to engage in activities. Generally speaking, these children and the adults around them are able to pinpoint a reason for their emotional upset . Internalized anxiety, in my experience, is more readily diagnosed among kids with ADHD, and thus more commonly treated.
Children with externalized anxiety, on the other hand, are frequently misdiagnosed and misunderstood due to their outbursts. They hold their true emotions close to the vest. Instead of tears, their anxiety appears as defiance or anger. I’m talking about the kid who adamantly refuses to do their homework, or who throws a tantrum after getting home from a long day at school. Parents may struggle to identify the source of this kind of behavior because it can be so upsetting and aggravating.
Parents in the other group have a more complex task at hand. First, you have to recognize the symptoms for what they are — deep fears and anxiety masked in anger and defiance. Then, you have to try addressing these symptoms with a child who likely will be reluctant to acknowledge the problem. And then, to top it all off, you have to manage your own feelings and reactions your child’s behavior.
After you’ve spent the whole day at work or tending to household duties, the last thing you want is for your child to yell at you. And if you experienceyourself, your child’s behavior may be triggering. In these challenging moments, I suggest that take a step back, not take their child’s behavior personally, and look for the deeper “why” behind the acting out. The “why” is sometimes situational — tiredness, fatigue, stress at school.
In my profession, we’re quick to diagnose kids with ADHD without properly acknowledging the emotional experience of the condition. I wish I had understood earlier in my career that anger and opposition can be a cover for shame and a fear of not measuring up. Sadly, kids who exhibit these behaviors push away the people from whom they most need support.
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